“We are all broken, the strongest gain strength in those broken places”

金継ぎ Kintsugi, literally translates to “golden joinery”. It is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by mending the cracks or broken areas with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. Rather than hiding imperfections, Kintsugi treats breakage and repair as a core part of the history and beauty of an object. It accentuates and celebrates the flaws, rather than attempting to disguise them. 

I believe this artform of Kintsugi is a metaphor and philosophy for how to live a rich and meaningful life. It certainly is for me. 

The reality of a human life is that we all encounter hardship, turmoil and tragedy throughout our lives. Life is paradox. An irony. In order to live fully, we must confront our immortality (until Bryan Johnson proves otherwise). It is the constraint of impermanence that creates the urgency and desire to live. There is no in-between. No half-alive state in the physical sense. You’re either living. Or not living. You can’t half ‘live’, although many fail to fully live. 

It is impossible to experience dark and light without the presence of the other. Without experiencing pain, suffering and disappointment, it is impossible to experience joy, happiness and fulfillment. Just as the moon is always present, but only completely visible when fully illuminated by the sun, life is always there, sometimes (often) we just fail to see it. 

My Kintsugi 

I’ve experienced the reality that life is Kintsugi first hand. On December 19th, 2014 Leanne and I sat by the hospital bed of our 19-month old daughter Frankie. Frankie had just undergone a routine MRI scan in an attempt to diagnose what we anticipated was a minor eye condition. Our lives were about to be transformed forever. I’ll never forget the moment that a doctor we had never met before introduced himself as the head of pediatric oncology and proceeded to tell us that Frankie was living with an aggressive and incurable brainstem tumor. It was one of the most surreal moments of my life. 

What was unexpected was the radical presence, joy and freedom that came on the other side of the initial shock. We were immediately freed and unshackled of any should, could or want. Anything beyond tomorrow became irrelevant. While our parents, family and friends were understandably worrying about us, it became apparent to us that we’d been handed an incredible gift - a cheat code for experiencing the wonder of life. Frankie gave us this gift and rather than being afraid, she showed us how to truly live. Fully. Presently. Wild. Free. 

While I would not wish any parent or child to have to suffer through Frankie’s experience, I wouldn’t give back a single moment with Frankie in order to soften the deep grief, sadness and suffering experienced. To love a child is one of life’s most profound gifts, and to lose a child is one of life’s most profound tragedies. Frankie blazed brightly for her short time with us and made us all better by being in her presence. Our hearts are full to have shared such an incredible life with Frankie, while our hearts are broken that she didn’t get to continue her life in this form. To be Frankie’s parents is our greatest gift. She taught us more than we will ever know and she will continue to teach us for the rest of our lives. Frankie will forever be an integral part of us.

Frankie showed us how to be the best we can be. 

And yet…

The Japanese poet Kobayashi Issa, standing at the gravesite of his thirteen-year-old daughter, said:

This dewdrop world

Is indeed a dewdrop world

And yet, and yet…

It is within this "and yet" that we are forced to dwell—to endure the weight of our greatest losses while honoring the golden threads woven into the fabric of our hearts.

Let us wear our grief, our pain, our suffering, our disappointments, our failures, our brokenness not as scars to be hidden but with the acknowledgement that this is the essence of what makes us. Do not disguise your shattered edges. They are the evidence of a life fully lived. We are not made whole despite our flaws, but because of them. The alchemy of the repair is what makes our life worth living. 

We are each a masterpiece of Kintsugi. I want to experience yours. 

Life breaks us all… And yet…